May 20, 2005

I Can Laugh at These -- Can You??

I've been posting some heavy, politically controversial stuff this week so for Friday I thought I'd turn toward the innocuous and inoffensive by offering you some ethnic jokes.

I received these in a document marked "Personal and Confidential" from a clandestine underground movement of Talmudist moles, secretly ensconced in law offices and corporate hives throughout our nation, who patiently, in some cases for decades, await the command to unleash these devastating weapons upon an unsuspecting Christendom. One of my kinsmen, a youth of pronouncedly Abrahamic mien, lofty of brow and aquiline of nose, his eyes weary from ancient suffering and from the religious obligation to pore endlessly over crumbling papers, his lips moving feverishly with the details of long-forgotten lawsuits, benevolently took time from his arcane Israelitish duties to share these moments of laughter -- though not untinged with inherited sorrow -- with me. As a mitzvah (good deed) of tzedakah (charity), I philanthropically give these to you, dear readers.

(NOTICE: Laughter not permitted unless the laughing party is Jewish. Laughter at any of the enclosed jokes or witticisms constitutes agreement to convert to Judaism. Home circumcision kit sold separately.)

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

8. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner

11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.""Force yourself," she replied.

14. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

15. Jewish telegram:
"Begin worrying. Details to follow."

16. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 10% off