April 11, 2005

The Death Watch Channel

(Theme music: an uplifting passage from Beethoven’s Pastoral Symphony)

MALE ANCHOR: Welcome to the Death Watch Channel--all death watches, all the time. I’m Mort Stone. Coming up on the hour, death watches for an ex-president, the star of a 1960s sitcom, and an athlete known for a game-losing blooper. At twelve after--our Sudden Death segment--we’ll look back at the life and career of a Mafia member turned informer, killed today in an automobile accident in the city where he was living under FBI witness protection. Then, at a quarter after, we bring you your Regional Death Watches. For a preview, let’s go to Kali at the regional desk.

FEMALE ANCHOR: I’m Kali Shivananda with the regional death watch preview. We’ll have executions today in Texas and Florida. In the Northeast, we’ll chat with a Pulitzer-Prize-winning author who’ll give us his last words by live hookup. In the Midwest, our Real People segment will profile a mom of three in Dayton, who’s been battling cancer for--(improvising as teleprompter stalls)--well, for a really long time, bless her--we’ll have her story in depth for you, it makes me choke up every time I look at the tape. On the West Coast we’ll take an upclose look at the latest celebrity murder trial--will this one finally get the injection? Then a look back at deaths from this day in history--remember that school bus accident on the Coast Highway? All that and more coming up after these messages.

(Commercials for a life insurance company, a health care network, a prescription drug for Alzheimer’s, a reduced-fat line of fast food, and a diamond mining concern.)

MALE ANCHOR: We’re back, and we’re not going anywhere so don’t you either. Let’s take a look at today’s weather–related deaths in faraway places you’ve never heard of…

(Repeat every fifteen minutes for all eternity or until Western civilization collapses, whichever comes first.)