The Death Watch Channel
(Theme music: an uplifting passage from Beethoven’s Pastoral Symphony)
MALE ANCHOR: Welcome to the Death Watch Channel--all death watches, all the time. I’m Mort Stone. Coming up on the hour, death watches for an ex-president, the star of a 1960s sitcom, and an athlete known for a game-losing blooper. At twelve after--our Sudden Death segment--we’ll look back at the life and career of a Mafia member turned informer, killed today in an automobile accident in the city where he was living under FBI witness protection. Then, at a quarter after, we bring you your Regional Death Watches. For a preview, let’s go to Kali at the regional desk.
FEMALE ANCHOR: I’m Kali Shivananda with the regional death watch preview. We’ll have executions today in Texas and Florida. In the Northeast, we’ll chat with a Pulitzer-Prize-winning author who’ll give us his last words by live hookup. In the Midwest, our Real People segment will profile a mom of three in Dayton, who’s been battling cancer for--(improvising as teleprompter stalls)--well, for a really long time, bless her--we’ll have her story in depth for you, it makes me choke up every time I look at the tape. On the West Coast we’ll take an upclose look at the latest celebrity murder trial--will this one finally get the injection? Then a look back at deaths from this day in history--remember that school bus accident on the Coast Highway? All that and more coming up after these messages.
(Commercials for a life insurance company, a health care network, a prescription drug for Alzheimer’s, a reduced-fat line of fast food, and a diamond mining concern.)
MALE ANCHOR: We’re back, and we’re not going anywhere so don’t you either. Let’s take a look at today’s weather–related deaths in faraway places you’ve never heard of…
(Repeat every fifteen minutes for all eternity or until Western civilization collapses, whichever comes first.)
MALE ANCHOR: Welcome to the Death Watch Channel--all death watches, all the time. I’m Mort Stone. Coming up on the hour, death watches for an ex-president, the star of a 1960s sitcom, and an athlete known for a game-losing blooper. At twelve after--our Sudden Death segment--we’ll look back at the life and career of a Mafia member turned informer, killed today in an automobile accident in the city where he was living under FBI witness protection. Then, at a quarter after, we bring you your Regional Death Watches. For a preview, let’s go to Kali at the regional desk.
FEMALE ANCHOR: I’m Kali Shivananda with the regional death watch preview. We’ll have executions today in Texas and Florida. In the Northeast, we’ll chat with a Pulitzer-Prize-winning author who’ll give us his last words by live hookup. In the Midwest, our Real People segment will profile a mom of three in Dayton, who’s been battling cancer for--(improvising as teleprompter stalls)--well, for a really long time, bless her--we’ll have her story in depth for you, it makes me choke up every time I look at the tape. On the West Coast we’ll take an upclose look at the latest celebrity murder trial--will this one finally get the injection? Then a look back at deaths from this day in history--remember that school bus accident on the Coast Highway? All that and more coming up after these messages.
(Commercials for a life insurance company, a health care network, a prescription drug for Alzheimer’s, a reduced-fat line of fast food, and a diamond mining concern.)
MALE ANCHOR: We’re back, and we’re not going anywhere so don’t you either. Let’s take a look at today’s weather–related deaths in faraway places you’ve never heard of…
(Repeat every fifteen minutes for all eternity or until Western civilization collapses, whichever comes first.)
posted by Richard Lawrence Cohen at 8:08 AM
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