February 25, 2005

Exasperating People

People who shut off the radio in the midst of a beautiful musical phrase.

Because she is female and you are male, she assumes it is her sacred mission to tutor you in all matters of behavior, feeling, and thought.

People who are inordinately proud of their ringtones.

The guy who spreads his gym bag and clothing all over the bench in front of my locker.

The bumper sticker that boasts of the glory of the owner’s Zip code.

People who announce their whereabouts at every step to unseen listeners in their earphones: “I’m in the produce section… Cucumbers are only two for a dollar, you think I should get one, or two?” (This is really too commonplace to list at this point.)

Guests who break flush handles whose mode of operation should be readily apparent to any resident of a developed nation. And ones who do not use the bathroom fan because in their case it is not necessary.

People who obey their grammar check when it’s wrong. Like here, my grammar check would have me write, “People that obey their grammar check when it’s wrong.” And so a generation is arising of people who write “People that” instead of “People who.” Or is “that” more appropriate for people today?

Human beings who were responsible for creating a grammar check used by millions of human beings, but who couldn’t be bothered to program a relative pronoun to refer to human beings.

We want to buy a rug, but we can’t until she’s looked at EVERY RUG IN THE UNIVERSE.

People who want to kill me because I blog them as “Exasperating People”…